The hardest thing to find in Taipei/Taiwan...

Every time I am out walking around and having a browse through Taipei's wonderful sights, I am always confused why its so hard to find two things.

The first thing that is next to impossible to find are public bins/trash cans (for you Americano readers innit).  The best place to find these are at bus stops.  If you can see a bus stop they will often be accompanied by a bin.  I am not talking about seven eleven, as we all know they have bins (some do not) but, I am talking mainly about outside, when you want to throw away the rubbish what can you do, you either keep it or look for a seven, or find a bus stop.  The next best thing is do as the locals do and stick in someone's basket which is attached to their bicycle or scooter outside apartment buildings.  Why they are so hard to find really does puzzle me a lot though, also how the hell are the streets pretty damn clean if there is no where to put the rubbish?  Odd no?  Anyway I know I said just throw it some ones basket but please don't litter Taiwan and give us weiguos! (foreigners!) a bad name all right.!

This is the type of bin I am talking about that can be seen all around Newcastle City Centre

The next thing that are rock rock super rock hard to find are pubic toilets.  The best places to find these again are seven elevens, department stores, fast food places but again these are all not really public toilets.  In a sense I guess the department stores ones are, but I mean public toilets like we have back in England where they are literally just a toilet outside.  So please make sure you know where the toilet stops are wherever you go out in Taiwan or you might end up with a blind panic mad dash to any toilet and have to deal with a squatter, which is possible to do but never as pleasant as sitting there waiting for the massive log to drop out.

Anyway, i'm sure the whole internet world is now better knowing this information.

Goodbye for now...

A good family Friend has passed away.  Rest in Peace Stephen (Jacko) Jackson.

R.I.P

So many things that I didn't get to say

And you're so far away

But in my heart you will stay

There are no goodbyes

And there is no regrets

I miss you today

And I'm not over it yet

I'll see you soon again my friend

The times that we've shared been so genuine

Know that you had to go

But you'll tell me where you've been

'Cause I'll see you soon again my friend

When I see you I'll ask you, "Where have you been?"

There'll be so much to say

We won't know where to begin

We'll skateboard Watch Football all day

And we'll drink all damn night

'Cause I know we'll meet up in the next life

I'll see you soon again my friend

The times that we've shared been so genuine

Know that you had to go

But you'll tell me where you've been

'Cause I'll see you soon again my friend

I think of sunny skies

And I know that you never wasted your time

I think of your laugh

And I think of your smile, and I cry

Waitin' for the day I'll see that smile on your face again

Holdin' on to the memories

'Cause brotherhood's forever my friend

But I know...

I'll see you soon again my friend

The times that we've shared been so genuine

Know that you had to go

But you'll tell me where you've been

'Cause I'll see you soon again my friend

And I'll see you soon again my friend

The times that we've shared been so genuine

Know that you had to go

But you'll tell me where you've been

'Cause I'll see you soon again my friend

Know that you had to go

But you'll tell me where you've been

'Cause I'll see you soon again my friend

Goodbye for now (video)

I've got 99 problems and this bitch ain't 1!

So as you all know my foot is good and proper done in.  First they said tendinitis and now they are saying gout.  

As they are claiming it is gout I have changed my diet, stopped drinking, started drinking more water, eating more vegetables etc etc!!!

The most annoying thing of all is the foot got bad when I was probably the most active I have been ever since I came to Taiwan, running! Swimming! Playing footy! Cycling!  Mountain climbing!  My weight was also the lowest it had been for a long time, and then this happens.  Now I can only swim because my foot is so messed up.  So I have upped the swimming to at least 4 times a week, but it is so sad having to watch every one else ride around on bicycles, play football, play tennis and running.  It is actually really depressing because I want to do all these again!  Now I cannot and its so shit, it sucks so much!

I need to try and stay positive, but after the length of time it has taken to heal it is getting much harder and harder.  It is affecting everything in my life.  My work, my love life, how I feel from day to day, how angry and pissed off I feel.  It is taking all my energy, and I have to try and keep fighting it because one day I want it to go back to normal, if I let it beat me I will never be able to do the things I love again.  It feels refreshing to totally quit alcohol.  I hope it will help!!  

ITS HARD TO STAY POSITIVE BUT I AM DOING MY BEST!  I WILL BEAT THIS INFLICTION!  If I don't seem myself, or seem occupied or angry or pissed off, you can guarantee I am feeling down about my foot!  

THE DOCTOR WHO MANAGES TO HEAL MY FOOT AND GET ME DOING SPORTS AGAIN WILL BE SHOCKED BECAUSE I AM GONNA GIVE HIM A BIG HUG AND A KISS!!!!  Not that its anything he would want!  I will be so happy though!!!  

Anyway I hope people can help me through this difficult time and understand if I:

A>talk about my foot constantly.  I am thinking of ways to beat the infliction!
B>moan
C>shout at you for no reason
D>say I wish I was playing football, I wish I could go on the bike, I wish I could go for a run
E>look miserable
F>am not my goddamn happy happy self!

NOW YOU BLOODY WELL KNOW WHY.  I AM FIGHTING SOME EVIL INFLICTION OF MY FOOT!!

First Typhoon of the Year. (picks the worst time as usual!!)

This is the first storm/typhoon to look like it is gonna hit Taiwan this year.  It picked the worst weekend for it, as the Magpies were going to the water park on Sunday!  I hope it doesn't arrive until Monday at least.  Fingers crossed so the Mags can have a mighty time at the water park.

Make sure you have enough supplies at home for the weekend of 13th (Saturday) and 14th (Sunday) as it could be a big one.  If its a big one you won't want to be going out.

Looking at the photo it looks like its gonna effect all of Taiwan.  I have one question for the Typhoon god...why do you always show up on Sundays and ruin my only day off work???!?!!?!?

In defence of my Taiwanese Sisters!!! (idiots writing blogs about Taiwanese women)

So recently there has been a lot of foreigners who are living in Taiwan giving their 'expert' (ha ha) opinion on Taiwanese women they have met.  Some give their advice to people, some are just outright stupid.  One thing all these blogs have in common in my opinion is how stupid it makes the author look.  

They all say the same, they talk about how easy girls are right here in Taiwan.  There is one fatal point most of them only deal with girls they meet at the club.  Or like that guy who wrote the blog about fucking all the girls from clubs and how amazingly great he was and all that.  His blog actually made him look like a complete dickhead actually.  He used the whole blog to call Taiwanese girls every name under the sun.  He then went on about how girls in Singapore and Hong Kong were better.  Then low and behold, fuck me through Sunday and call me Santa Claus!!!  What did he say later in the blog.  My Taiwanese Girlfriend is awesome because she lived in America for 3 months.  Wooopidy doo mate.  Wow look she lived in America, that makes her like an American now, with my mighty IQ surely this qualifies.  No mate, you girlfriend is still Taiwanese, and as you made a whole blog about how Taiwanese girls are stupid idiots and just out to be fucked, then your girlfriend must be really happy with you!

Then I stumbled across another blog, this one was wrote by a woman which is disturbing.  The fact it is wrote by a woman, and she is giving out so called advice to other women to fuck around.  Is this really great advice?  

The story went like this, girl liked a foreign guy, so they spent a weekend away together.  She had only known him for two weeks.  The guy started touching her leg and being quite openly forward with flirting.  The girl moved his hand from her leg as she felt uncomfortable i'm sure.  Then this girl who wrote this shit blog commented saying "oh my god girl why?" Something like this.  

Further down in her blog of great advice (ha ha) she goes on to say the guy tried to sleep with the girl.  The girl didn't want to, so now she is worried she has missed her chance with him.  I would call it a blessing in disguise she didn't sleep with him because now the guy doesn't speak to the girl anymore and is now apparently with an ABC he met in a club (where back to in the club which is a recurring theme with these stupid dicks giving people like me a bad name!)  Which tells the world he was only after one thing with this girl, a good weekend of getting jiggy wit it!  So yes missy, you have dodged a bullet there, you may sad but he is a loser and you did the right thing.  If a guy likes a girl he will still want to hang out and be with you even if you tell him you don't want to have sex!  All my Taiwanese sisters should remember that!  

Then moving onto another guy, William.  I don't know if it was his article or someone else just wrote about it.  Apparently according to this social genius William all foreigners are here just to fuck around, have fun, make some wonga then go back to their home country.  Well William no one give you permission to speak for me. I am indeed a foreigner.  I never want to live in England again, I am very happy in Taiwan and life here is good.  I very rarely go clubbing.  I am anticool!  

William also talks about the women back home.  Mister William needs to open his eyes and understand in every country in the world there are easy women, and intellectual smart interesting women.  If you look in clubs for your girlfriend or what have you, your chances of finding someone smart and interesting are slim to none i'd say!  Also when I worked in the good old U S of A I can assure you Women there were just like women in clubs the world over.  Actually sometimes even worse.  It is still the only place in the world where I have been told by a girl in a bar, "I have sucked most guys dicks in this town!"  Go you, what an achievement.  Also another girl told me "hey this is my brother, we fuck each other too"  Wonderful.  Amazing.  I needed to know that really.  Then there was the sick bastards who passed their friends glass eye around each others mouths by kissing, no matter on gender.  The glass eye owner popped it into his beer and popped it back into his eye.  He was like the proud owner of a massive trophy.  Weirdos the lot of them.  As well as this, my mate Mick from Liverpool was humping every yankee bird under the sun.  Woooing them with his awful screeching scouse accent full of spit and slavver!  Hence the same the world over. 

I have a lot of examples.  I will explain a few now, starting with my good old home city:  

Newcastle Upon Tyne, England.

Well, well, well...where do I start.  Back home people like to drink.  All you guys who go clubbing here would be demolished by anyone back home at drinking by anyone normal who does not think they are some false tanned dick of Geordie Shore.  OK so now that point is passed here goes the example.  

Clubbing on the weekend, most people go out to dance, party, drink, have a good time.  Most of all most guys back home will assess how good their weekend was by whether they pulled or not.  Or as they say back home, smashed the pasty!  Got your end away!  Found the Gammon!  Put it in the pink, put it in the stink, knees deep in clunge!! etc etc.  You get the point there are a lot of words back in the good old Toon for sleeping with someone.  So most people hook up during the night, but what is truly disturbing is the end of the night.  All those fuckers who didn't pull drastically looking around all furious thinking fuck, I need a fuck!  In that order.  You will often see people going home with random people they didn't even speak to because of fear of not ahem finding a fuck!  Vulgar terms are the same as what are used back home.  Not intended to disturb your fragile minds.

Next stop.  

New Jersey/New York, USA

So I was here working, and I made friends with a lad from Liverpool.  His intention was to woo every girl he could.  Even the fat monster ones you see in the movies who look like they are 30 stone.  He didn't care about looks and often came out with those lines, those beauties that everyone says when they fuck around and don't care about nuthin!  The lines of 'any hole is a goal!' and 'You don't look at the mantle piece when your poking the fire!'  Anyway.  He wooed every girl he met with his horrible Scouse accent.  All full of slavver, and spit sounding like a poorer version of that tool Jamie Carragher!  He even fucked two sisters at one point on the same night, in rooms that were next door to each other.  They mainly liked him because of his accent, and his patter (bullshit).  

Next stop.

Stuttgart, Germany

This is a bit of a role reversal but it still shows a good example.  I went and studied in Germany on my placement a girl of the course came with me.  All the German guys I saw frothing at the mouth at this English girl who dressed for summer every day of the year!  Their words not mine, and how often they tried to help her doing things.  They clearly wanted to help so much just to get in her knickers!  It is quite funny.  

Next stop

Bangkok, Thailand

Now if anyone really wants to talk about easy look no further than Thailand.  Specifically Koh Sahn Road.  A lot of people there are either with pros, or they are all hooking up together.  I guess some people don't even notice they are going home with lady boys and such like.  A little note for all you guys in Bangkok, the ones who have a fucking adams apple are a man!  Anyway Bangkok is pretty gross, from sex tourists, to tourist spastics!  Its just plain old awful.  One funny moment I remember on this kind of subject was when one super oversized man decided to ridicule me because I didn't have a girl on my arm and he had three girls all around him sucking his man titties!  He said 'urgh you don't have any girls ha hahahahahaha'  To which I replied, 'I don't need to buy my girlfriends you fat cunt!'  At this point the pro's wanted to smash my face in with their skanky high heels so I had to make a move but it was worth it.  I know I am kind of fat myself right now, but this man was a full grown monster, he looked like he ate people, and babies, and animals, and even Thai ladyboys.  Anyway Thailand is the centre of sleeze!!!

What these examples clearly show are people are the same the world over.  People are attracted to people who are different surely.  No one wants a female version of their self.  That would be a fucking nightmare.  The foriegn guys here who have been writing all these blogs about Taiwanese women who are easy has been annoying me so I decided to write this because the world is pretty much the same wherever you go.  

What I think is these people who write these blogs have never been let out of their back yard, never mind their own fucking country.  If they got out and about more, they would see more and understand if you go around looking for girls in clubs only, then you will only find a certain type of girl that is *ahem* easy!  

These guys only go for easy girls anyway, everyone knows that.  If you only look at one part of society then you wont see the whole picture.  Most people here have a different background, different up bringing, different way of thinking to life, relationships, sex and all that glory that goes with it.  This is not wrong or right but to then look down on people who wont *ahem* put out in a few days as being a prude is wrong.  There are plenty of smart, nice and interesting Taiwanese girls that is a fact!  You won't meet many of them in clubs though I can guarantee that! 

People need to realise the culture is different.  People here don't normally just fuck around with anyone who is white, black, green, pink, purple, yellow, rainbow coloured.  It is not in the culture to do this.  They prefer to get to know you, take their time.  See that your a nice guy.  My opinion is this is a much better way. 

BUT WE ALL KNOW THESE KIND OF GUYS DON'T WANT TO MEET INTERESTING AND SMART GIRLS BECAUSE THAT IS TOO DIFFICULT FOR THEM!  IT NEEDS TO BE AN EASY GIRL. 

 If they met a smart, interesting and intelligent girl their brain would fry, frazzle and sizzle that the girl was not just in awe of the fact that you were white, or an American immigrant!(ABC is just an immigrant really.) I am not being racist or looking down or anything.  In good old America people like to make a point of they are an immigrant we are real American all this bullshit.

So please god, stop looking at one part of society (clubs, partying) and think you know everything for fuck sake.  Stop giving us other foreigners a bad reputation because you are complete bellends that think you are gods gift.  You are not gods gift your dickheads!  Plain and Simple!  

Wow check me out, I go clubbing, I know what the whole female population of Taiwan is like now, they are all the same.  If you think like this.  You are stupid!  End of!  Game over!  I am the winner!  Good bye!

Biggest collection of...

Ok guys and girls check this out!!! 

Ok mart has the biggest and fattest sweet potatoes I have seen in Taiwan. They piss all over family marts little tiny things. 

Just so you know I ate one of these monsters. They tasted just as good as family marts too!  

People back in England if you haven't tried sweet potatoes trust me your missing out!!!!

Magpies support Turkish Resistance from Taiwan.

Yesterday Emre our Turkish Tank asked us if we would record a small video to support the Turkish resistance.  As he is a big tank, no one could refuse so we came up with this bad boy!  Enjoy.

620,000 unmarried women in Taiwan!!!

Guys, guys, guys!!!!  According to Apple Daily, there are over 600,000 unmarried women in Taiwan.  So if you are looking for a lovely lady to be your wife, you know where to head!  Taiwan is a cool island, and surely with those kind of odds you could find yourself a nice lovely lady. 

The article said Keelung and New Taipei City have the most, so you know where to head people.  What can I say I am like an angel sent from heaven offering you all advice where to go! You can all thank me with beer and biscuits in the future thank you!

Here is the article about the amount of unmarried women!  (p.s they're are a lot of unmarried men too!)

Apple Daily article - unmarried women

They go on to tell you their reasons, mainly due to their career, or they are too hot and guys assume because she is that hot she must already be married, or they just cant be arsed!

The above chart shows the number of single qingshounü in four countries (err… territories) of Asia:

Taiwan, 2012: 618,000 (5.33% of total) single women between 30 and 39

Hong Kong, 2011: 157,000 (4.49% of total) single women between 30 and 39

Korea, 2011: 383,000 (1.53% of total) single women between 30 and 44

China, 2010: 5.82m (0.87% of total) single women between 30 and 39.

Based on percentages, we can see that Koreans and Chinese (mainlanders) tend to get married early and often, while Taiwan and Hong Kong have an increasing number of unmarried women in their 30′s.

Best Juice shop in Guting.

This is the best juice shop I have found in Guting.  I personally really love the watermelon juice as I think it is the most refreshing I have had from there.  It is quite busy for a juice shop it seems very popular and well known.  Below is a picture of the shop.

It is on Tong An Street, close to where the street crosses with Tingzhou Road.  There is an 85c opposite it on the other side of road.  If your in Guting or live in this area, I highly, highly recommend the watermelon juice boy is it good!

New Magpies squad photo and Stefan the Magpie Ranger!

So today we eventually managed to get round to taking a new photo instead of waiting forever to try and get everyone onto the picture.  As we began to realise this is a fantasy and will never happen.  So here is the new glorious team pic in all its glory!

Also as Stefan is leaving Taiwan the team got him a t-shirt made.  On the front it says, "I wanna be a magpie ranger!  Only live for sex and danger!"  On the back it has the team logo, and says "I'm from Geneva!"

Front

Back

Taiwanese Movies Part 2

Hen Ma Ke's rating system:

1 = Soft as shite!  (Utterly shit don't watch!)
2 = I wear pink and will bitch slap you.  (OK if you wanna waste some time)
3 = Not gonna fuck you up, not soft as shite, just somewhere in the middle like Tottenham!  (this film is alright and worth a watch.)
4 = Hard as nails!  (Good film, will deliver some knock out blows, and killer punches.)
5 = It's gonna fuck you up!  (this film is that good, it's gonna fuck you up big time!)

Girlfriend Boyfriend

This film begins in the 80's when Taiwan is still under military control.  There is a lot of civil unrest, and the political situation is a good back drop to the film.  I have seen a lot of reviews say that the political back drop didn't help the film much, because it was more in the background and the situation of the time, than the actual plot of the film.  I personally think this was better for the film as it was not made to be a political film, and felt like it was just trying to portray what life was like from this time period.

The story revolves around 3 main characters.  They are best friends and you follow their lives from high school, through uni and beyond!  Ha, well not so far beyond but you get the point.  The main plot of the story is the love triangle between the 3 characters.  Which goes something a little like this.  Girl loves guy, guy loves guy, other guy loves girl.  

I really liked this film a lot, and would recommend anyone to watch it.  I think story is good, it has a lot going on it to keep you entertained.  I didn't think it would be as good as it was mainly from the name.  Anyway, watch this film.  It is good.

Rating - Hard as nails!

Starry, Starry Night

This film was a little weird for my liking.  It was very arty and it annoyed me how arty they tried to be.  Like when Xiao Mei was daydreaming abouts things, or seeing monsters run around on the walls.  It was just too goddamn much!

The premise of the story goes like this, Xiao Mei lived in a small village with her grandmother.  Now her grandmother is ill and she cannot live with her anymore, so she has to go back to the city and live with her parents.  Her parents have a troubled relationship and it affects Xiao Mei a lot and she pines for the days when she could be sat back in the small village with her grandmother. 

She meets another troubled kid next door, and funnily enough he is Xiao Jie!  Even the fact they had similar bloody names got to me, Xiao Mei, and Xiao Jie what the hell is all that about.  Super bloody annoying.  Anyway the two of them get to know each other very well and manage to build a good friendship. One day Xiao Mei saves Jie from the bullies, and they get even closer.  

Anyway, this film bugged the hell out of me with all their arty abstract thoughts and feelings, don't get me wrong I can deal with thoughts and feelings in films.  I even like that a lot in certain films, but when it is over done it gets on your fucking man boobs!

Rating -  I wear pink and will bitch slap you. 

Monga

Monga is a Taiwanese gangster movie that is set in the 1980's and revolves around Wanhua district.  On his first day at school Mosquito has his chicken drumstick stolen and is offered to join a gang.  He accepts this offer.  They then work on becoming the top gangsters in the Wanhua District area.  

The main characters in the movie are all friends, and are doing well in the gangster world.  As everyone knows this never lasts, because other gangsters get pissed off that someone has knocked them off their perch, or can see how well they are doing and want a piece of the pie!  As you can imagine a lot of the older guys are pissed off that the new kids on the block are rocking and rolling there way to the top, by kicking arse and being cool.  

In the end there is a bad case of betrayal which is disgusting, you should do those kind of things to your mates, also what really fucks up the gangsters in Monga is the new use of guns.  Before things kicked off there was proper rules on how to act and behave as a gang, when it kicked off the rules were broken and it was open war fare!

This film was great, and I couldn't recommend it enough!

Rating - It's gonna fuck you up!

Black & White Episode 1: The Dawn of Assault

I really had high hopes for this film, as it was getting loads of publicity and some decent reviews here in Taiwan.  I went to watch it at the second round cinema and I thought it was a pile of turd. Taiwanese people really seem to struggle with action films unfortunately from what I have seen of them so far.

The story is about a police office who is fearless, and doesn't believe they cant do the right thing and arrest the gangster causing loads and loads of problems for the city.  In a weird turn of events he ends up working with a gangster as partners, to find another one.

Its pretty bad, and the story does not fit together well at it, it feels like parts got cut too much, and it just felt very disjointed, also it didn't spend any time to explain any of the characters they just appeared for no reason, disappeared for another, and then add explosion.  Boom!  Follow, repeat, add 1 hour and a bit and that this film in a nut shell!

Rating -  I wear pink and will bitch slap you. 

The Soul of Bread

This film was awful.  Totally awful, a guy shows up from France in Taiwan looking for his mothers home town and city. His big interest was he wanted to find out how he managed to be so interested in and make great, amazing, awesome, super, mega, wanktastic bread.  The place he just happened to end up staying with happened to be a bread shop, and the family happened to make bread.  He didn't look much at all just found the family straight away and got to stay with them.

He falls in love with the girl in the shop, who is practically married to the other guy who works there.  Which is an utter low blow to pull.  You show up from Paris unannounced, show off with your sexy bread making skills to embarrass the local guy, and not only that you then steal his soon to be wife.  What an arsehole, but really the story is crap.  I wouldn't waste my time with this sheeeeeeeet if I knew it was gonna be so bad.  The whole plot was just so bad it made you want to give up, but it was one of those things where you think this cannot be it, and it must improve, but it just bloody well doesn't!

Answer=don't waste your bloody time!

Rating - Soft as shite!

Magpies vs Celts

So last weekend, Riverside Magpies played Formosa Celts.  Before the game I was feeling confident, but a little worried of who was gonna replace Stefan because of his suspension.  We put George in for Stefan at left back and he did very well.  Getting stuck in and stopping attacks.

The game started badly for us, a little mistake from Matteo let the Celts take a lead within the first 5 minutes. This time however, us Magpies we're used to conceding early by this point and we kept our head up instead of letting it drop.  We fought back and equalized through some superb wanktastic play between Ashley, Helmer and Colin.  Some great passing and moving down the right wing from Helmer and Ashley and then popped it over to Colin and he smashed it in!

Goal scorer Colin (32)

The second goal was great fighting by Ashley, he battled hard to keep the ball in on the right touchline and managed to get the ball across the goalmouth, cue mad scramble then Carlos tommy toe punted it in from 1 yard out!  Brilliant!  This was the first time we managed to come back from a goal down and win a game which is a good break through for our team. 

Goal scorer Carlos

There was one scary moment near the end where the Celts got a free kick just outside our box, and they smashed it onto the outside of the post.  Apart from that big Abs and Gareth marshaled the defence very well and give them not many chances.

New defensive addition, the brick wall that is Abs!

Roll on the Badgers, so we can take part in the Badgers cull the UK is having right now.

Taipei Medical University Hospital.

OK I am still having issues with my foot.  It has been nearly 1 year.  I went to the Taipei Medical University Hospital and they were very good.  Started taking tests and have me in for a ultra sound I think he said to scan the muscles in my foot.  Hopefully this means I will be eventually getting to the bottom of the problem in my foot.

Fingers crossed I can sort it out because it has been bothering me for ages.

Although I do believe my lovely mother and girlfriend are right, I make a better manager than a player in football.  We would of never known this if my foot didn't decide to die on me!

You can find the address here.  It has English and Chinese.

http://tmuh.tmu.edu.tw/

They have free mini busses to the hospital from Zhongxiao Fuxing and Liuzhangli MRT stations.

 No.252, Wu Hsing Street, Taipei City 110, Taiwan (R.O.C.)TEL： +886-2-2737-2181

So the 2 ideas all the doctors seem to be saying are, gout and tendinitis.

They both are shit, but I hope I get the one that is easiest to cure!

   

Taiwanese Movies Part 1

Hen Ma Ke's rating system:

1 = Soft as shite!  (Utterly shit don't watch!)
2 = I wear pink and will bitch slap you.  (OK if you wanna waste some time)
3 = Not gonna fuck you up, not soft as shite, just somewhere in the middle like Tottenham!  (this film is alright and worth a watch.)
4 = Hard as nails!  (Good film, will deliver some knock out blows, and killer punches.)
5 = It's gonna fuck you up!  (this film is that good, it's gonna fuck you up big time!)

Warriors of the Rainbow: Seediq Bale

Seediq Bale is a movie about a group of aboriginal Taiwanese people.  They are called Seediq.  They historically live around and come from Hualien County and Nantou County.  They speak their own language also known as Seediq and they are recognised as Taiwan's 14th indigenous group.   

The movie centres around the Wushe events, when the Japanese Imperial Army invaded, then controlled Taiwan.  They set up a road building program  that brought them into the indigenous people's territory. This was seen as invasive. Contacts and conflicts escalated and some indigenous people were killed. In 1901, in a battle with the Japanese, indigenous people defeated 670 Japanese soldiers. As a result of this, in 1902, the Japanese isolated Wushe. Between 1914 and 1917, Japanese forces carried out an aggressive 'pacification' program killing many resisting people. At this time, the leader of 馬赫坡社, Mona Rudao, tried to resist rule by Japan, but he failed twice because his plans were divulged. At his third attempt, he organized seven out of twelve groups to fight against the Japanese forces.  

I think this is an amazing movie, basically the plot centres around Mona Rudao and the people of his village.  The Japanese stop them from continuining their customs, which include cutting off the heads of people they have killed in battle, and hanging them up.  The Japanese would force them to do cheap manual work, and also make them buy groceries on credit.  Meaning they were keeping them trapped in the same shitty situation.  One of the main things to really piss people off is they were stopped from tattooing their faces.  The Seediq believed that if they did not tattoo their face, they would not cross the rainbow bridge to the other side when they died.  

The seediq men sat around drinking and sulking about this, but some of the younger men wanted to fight against the Japanese and kick them off their land.  The Japanese were unaware of the rising tensions in the village with the Seediq.

On October 27th The Seediqs attack the Japanese during a sports event taking place in the village, all Japanese men, women and children are killed in the attack.  

The movie is directed by John Woo.  It is very good and full of a lot of action scenes.  Unlike big western movies that come out right now, it has a unique plot, a good story and good action.  It does not just rely on one point to sell the movie.  This is awesome and highly recommended by me!

One key point I would say if try and get a hold of the version they released in Taiwan because they made into two parts.  In Europe it got cut, and reduced into one shorter movie meaning they probably messed it up!

Seediq Bale - Warriors of the Rainbow (trailer)  

Rating - It's gonna fuck you up! 

You Are the Apple of My Eye  (warning has spoilers!!!)

This movies starts in 1994 at a school in Changua, Taiwan.  The movie centres around two main characters and their friends.  The main male character is Ko Ching-teng.  He is a mischievous character and is always getting into trouble at school with his friends. One day, he gets caught bashing one out in the back of the classroom, his teacher is disgusted and she doesn't know what to do about it.  The outcome was that he had to sit in front of honour student, Shen Chia-yi who could keep an eye on him and make sure he was doing his work!  

Ko Ching-Teng claims he does not fancy Shen Chia-Yi even though loads of the other boys in class do, including a lot of his friends.  He also makes a claim he is a better student than she is and could beat her on any test that they get!  Shen Chia Yi takes him up on his challenge and even decides to help him by giving him advice on which questions to check for the test.  As expected Ko Ching Teng does shit, but he claims he was just letting her win anyway, to be a gentleman and all that as you do.  

Then there was a moment in English class when Shen Chia Yi forgets her textbook and the teacher is pissed.  You do not forget a textbook in Taiwan, this is not a good idea!  So the teacher is going full on ape shit, thinking oh my god how the hell can an honour student, who is the greatest at everything she does forget her book.  Then low and behold Ko Ching Teng slips his textbook back and pretends that forgot his.  So he takes all the punishment for forgetting the text book and Shen Chia Yi is touched by his kindness. 

After this as is to be expected they became good friends and she even tries to help him get good grades and study harder.  They eventually become an item and have a long relationship.  Some of the relationship is long distance, and Ko Ching Teng calls Shen Chia Yi every night.  He then decides to organise a fight night, so he can get her down to watch to show how strong he is.  She arrives for the fight night, he gets knocked out straight away and she is so angry with him for doing something where he could of been badly hurt.  They have a massive argument and break up.  All his friends then have a mad dash to Taipei to comfort her and have a chance of getting with her. 

At the end of the movie she gets in touch to say she is getting married and would like him to come to her wedding.  

This is based on the story of the director and his life at school.  I really enjoyed this movie a lot.  They say it is a romance movie but I would say it was more a drama/coming of age movie myself.  Had a lot of laughs in it, and moments where you wanted to cringe.

You Are the Apple of My Eye (Trailer)

Rating - Hard as nails!

Secret

This is a Taiwanese movie with very high ratings.  The story was interesting but I thought it just dragged along very bloody slowly.  Jay Chou, and Gwei Lun Mei are absolutely huge movie stars here in Taiwan.  They both play the main characters in this story about two university students who are studying music, and specialising in piano.

Gwei Lun Mei is already at the university playing a tune on the piano.  When Jay Chou shows up to begin life at Tamkang University.  He hears her rocking out the piano and thinks, "oh yeah this is a tune!"  Then he goes to find out who it is playing the piano, he seems infatuietated with her, then they start a little romance.  Yadda yadda I actually didn't watch this to the end because it really bored me, and it was moving at a pace that was slower than slower.  

Id still recommend people to watch it mind you, my lovely girlfriend loves it and it really is very popular here, just not my cup of cha innit!

Rating - Not gonna fuck you up!, not soft as shite!, just somewhere in the middle like Tottenham!

Zombie 108

The best thing I can say about this film is don't waste your time!  Didn't know if it wanted to be a horror, a zombie movie, or a gore fest and ended up being a big stupid pile of shitty wank!  Uber turbo shit!!

Rating - Soft as shite!

Love

This is a movie about 8 people who are all in love, or looking for love.  At different points all their lives interchange and become connected.  I didn't actually originally watch this film because I wanted to.  At first I got it because it was a typhoon day and me and my beautiful girlfriend didn't know what to do.  

So I decided seeing as there is a typhoon and it is belting it down, the only sane thing to do would be get a film and pizzas and sit in and watch them.  Let the weather get on with things outside.  So being the man of men that I am, I normally pick men movies.  As I was at the dvd shop looking for something more acceptable for both of us, this was the top rented movie.  I asked if they had English subtitles, they did and I got it.  I mean its called love, and it does not have 1 romantic angle it has 4 so what on earth could go wrong!  Women will love this kind of movie.

When I was watching it, I thought shit man.  Do I really like a romcom!  I am not ashamed, I think I liked it a lot more than my beautiful girlfriend did.  The reason I liked it a lot was because it didn't follow the same goddamn stupid pattern that all American romcoms do.  

It was enjoyable by far.  The story basically follows their lives and relationships and how they collide into other peoples lifes and relationships.  I think a lot of people will be surprised by this film and no I am not a puff or an uber gay boy because I liked a film called love!  I know my sexual orientation biaaaatch!

Love (trailer)

Rating - Not gonna fuck you up, not soft as shite, just somewhere in the middle like Tottenham!