Thursday, May 30, 2013

Weather in Taiwan!!

The weather in Taiwan is completely mental. Pretty much all of April and most of May my weather app said storms for pretty much every day of the week.

Now it is the end of May and the heat has arrived. Next will be June!  June, July and August are always bloody boiling. 

When they do for the weather for these 3 months they should just be like the weather guy on the fast show and say scorchio!!!  Every day!!! 

I will be seen in mainly air conditioned places. Stopping myself from melting and having to be carried around in a water bottle. 

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Followers (Minions)

Hello internet world!  I only have 13 followers(or minions), seeing as I am proper bo selecta!  It would be great to actually have more followers.  We can be like Pinky and the Brain and we can take over the world minions!

If I can get 20 followers I will promise you 2 blogs a week.
20 followers =2 blogs a week
30=3 blogs a week
so on and so forth.

If I get 100 followers I will write you lucky internet people 10 whole blogs a week!  How is that for a bargain!!!

Paint Balling

So we all decided to go paint balling as we had no football to be involved in last weekend.  The paint balling place we decided to go was called 147.  We decided to take the cheaper option which was 599nt which included entrance cost and 200 bullets. 

Luke informed me if you pick your shots, and manage to shoot when you have a sight to kill you will be fine with 200 bullets.  So I thought yeah I am a little trigger happy but if I can manage to calm the fuck down I will be fine.  

As per usual people are unreliable and were late.  So we were late getting to the paint ball arena.  No matter how early I tell people to get there they turn up late.  

When we arrived, the safety briefing took absolutely ages, and was completely in Chinese not really helping. Anyway the only rule I needed to know was shoot, kill, win!  Full of win!

Eventually after everything we were off to play a goddamn game.  I had my gun, I had my 200 bullets and I was ready to fuck shit up.  There was not many of us, only 9 so we had to pair up with another team and fight against a big group of Taiwanese people.  That was fine, so we listened to the game rules.  They got to hide and we had to attack them.  They all toddled off like good little boys and girls, sat in their hiding place and never moved once all goddamn game!

We just had to stand there till the whistle blew and then get into a place and attack, I was fine for this and I had myself positioned to dive into a bunker close to the enemy.  Tweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet there goes the whistle and I am off, like fucking Tony Montana on speed.  Heads kept popping up as I was charging forward and I was shooting them to shit, then I dived in the ditch.  All flying green shit heading in my direction had been avoided and I was kicking their shitty little arses!  They didn't move once when I had bullets.  When they moved they got rained down with shots!  As I was kicking their arse I was screaming "wa xi, xi adula!"  Taiwanese for "I'm a freaking foreigner!"  They like to use this as an insult, but I take their insult and raise it to affection, oh yeah baby!  Big problem was, I was out there alone Montanaing it up, taking them out like a bad ass, but I didn't realise my bullets were running low.  

Matteo and Micheal then plonked their arses next to me calling me a crazy bastard, but everyone behind me was too goddamn slow, then I realised my gun had no bloody bullets left.  I did what they said in the rules at the start, popped up my hands like I was dead, and the guys on the other side kept bopping me in the head.  They were clearly annoyed that they had been fucked up big time.  I told them to calm the shit down and they didn't so I got angry which ain't good.  While they were sat in the trees shitting in their knickers, I was rampaging across the battlefield like a true leader at the front!

Anyway the guy asked if they wanted to change sides and then we could of defended the trees, but the cowardly fuckers shit their pants again and didn't want to take an utter fisting!!

This is where the organisation went to utter rat shit.  As I normally say turbo shit!  The guys running the games spent about 20 minutes finding out who needed more bullets, then they came back with 2 boxes and tiny little cups claiming there was 200.  I mean why not either just bring the big box and save time fucking about or buy a load of bullets up front!  It was scary to think those guys run this stuff all the time!  After this we went into the game in a tiny area with only a load of barrels for cover!  We were doing well in this game, until Alban started moving the barrels forward.  I got one utter mean cramp in my right peg and then I told Alban, who showed he is very French ignored me and kept moving forward.  So basically I took a load of hits and hobbled out of the line of fire!

We played 1 more small game against each other, all in all we had a blast.  If the organisation was better, and we had more people where we could play each other in all games instead of having to team up with other guys.

At the end of the day, when we got changed, Charles took out his massive new bug and stuck it on his arm.  Watching him trying to tear it back off was mental.  He had just paid 40 quid for this bug and was attempting to rip its legs off to get it off his arm!  He ended up going to sort out the bill with this massive bug attached to his arm like it was a normal every day occurrence.  

Luke told me it was hilarious seeing me leg it through the middle of the battlefield screaming and shouting and shooting anything that moved while avoiding all the green shit flying my way!  Which made one of our guys from the team make this bad boy that I am going to leave you with.  I really am like Tony Montana in the old paintball tearing everyone a new one!!!  I used 200 bullets in 7 minutes that is bad ass!!


Even though I have been living in Taiwan now for nearly 3 years.  Now I have been struggling with the concept of face more so than when I arrived!  

I think this has a lot to do with the fact that Taiwanese people think I should know more about it because i'm not a fresh off the boat newbie!  As I have said, after 3 years they assume this big hairy foreign ape looking white man knows all about face.  So we good!

Losing face is a no no for Taiwanese people

I don't actually mean people's real faces by the way.  Face is Taiwan is kind of like an abstract subject, its all about how other people see you in society.  Also how you act, what you do, who your friends are, what kind of work you do, and what you do when your not at work can all effect your face!    Anything along the lines of arguing, sleeping around, complaining, moaning, and fighting will help you lose face in an instant. 

Losing face is a massive thing, people often talk a lot about saving face, or how they have lost their face and they cannot go to that shop again, or see those people again in the street.  This kind of thing, and these kind of activities are really common back in good ole Newcastle.

What I find funny about Taiwanese people is they really care about face but there are a lot of situations where face is not thought of at all!  For example charging past you to get a seat on the MRT!  Chomping on food and talking at the same time, showing all the contents of your lunch, and mumbling some bizarre concoction of a word!  People walking at the pace of a man with no legs when your in a hurry and not moving out of the way for shit, because that's their goddamn piece of path, and their not letting you past at all.  Even if you say, "bu hao yi si" Excuse me/i'm sorry.  After uttering the magic polite words you get looked at like you have just shot the bastards in the back, or your neighbour braying on your door uttering some sort of chinese gibberish about you shouting "Webb you manc cunt, it was over the line.  She however, bangs the front door so loud every day like that don't matter!!!" as you watch Newcastle get thumped by Man Utd and that cheating fucker helps them!  The great final contradiction is gobbing up all your phlegm and beetle nuts all over the streets like its no ones business, and face don't mean shit to them.  Its all about the contradictions baby.

Magpies first CPL win

Well, well, well.  Boys and girls.  Ladies and gentleman!  The Magpies managed to get their first ever CPL win a few weeks back now vs Shane.  

We actually controlled the game for large parts of the game, but we still struggled in certain areas as we always do.  Junior managed to get his first goal for us and managed to put in a beast of a performance destroying Shane's defence.  

The moment when Junior got the ball, shot and scored will live forever in most Magpies players memory.  The collective GET IN!!!!!  From the team and subs was loud, one of the loudest GET INS!!!!  I have heard!

We were all very happy with our first win as people could imagine, and now we have managed to take 4 points from 6 games.  This is still very good considering we have been a team for less than a year, and how strong the league is.  Our players are still getting used to each other also.  

We have a lot of new guys in our team and our squad is finalised unless someone leaves and we have a gap to replace them or someone is very good.  

May this be the first of many wins, and a big up to Junior for scoring the winning goal.

A funny moment happened after when I offered to buy the whole team drinks, not many came but Junior showed up, he said he would just get a juice.  Looked in the fridge, picked up a small one and actually took a big one.  He could have a goddamn monster sized juice for all I care!!!!

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Newcastle Upon Tyne, England. Homestay for Taiwanese students.

Home stay

wifi, satellite TV, storage space – shelves, chest of drawers, cabinet, wardrobe and a big window with a lot of natural light, evening meals, (weekdays only) access to all family rooms, and use of kitchen and bathroom.  Also included airport pick ups and drop offs. 

Number of rooms
7 (2 bedrooms, small room – storage and office, bathroom, kitchen, living, dining room.)

Long term stay – 90 pound per week.  (6 - 1 year)
Short term stay – 110 pound per week. (week by week basis)


We are a couple in our 50’s with no children at home.  We are both working professionals that are friendly, outgoing and very easy to get along with.  We are both very helpful and always willing to try and help out as much as possible. 

We have had one student in the past from Taiwan, and he loved his stay here very much, that he often writes to say he would love to come back. 

The house is located in a quiet suburb of Gateshead.  The location of the house is very close to Newcastle.  There is easy access to Newcastle City centre with bus stops close by.  The journey time from our home to Newcastle City centre is around 10 minutes by bus.  One of Europe’s biggest shopping centre’s The Metrocentre is also close by, which takes 5 minutes by bus. 

The room the students will stay in the house has a double bed, TV with satellite and wifi.  The room also has a lot of good storage space with wardrobes, chest of drawers, cabinets and shelves.  The bathroom is the shared family bathroom.

Students will be able to use every room in the house, including the kitchen, dining room, living room.  Students can use the kitchen to help their selves to breakfast.  Evening meals will be provided during the week, if we are at home on the weekends we would cook on weekends too. 

Students would be allowed to smoke in designated rooms only. 
We will pick up and drop off students at the airport

Pictures of the house


This is 2 pictures of the bedroom.  You can see the bed, and the TV and also the room has a lot of natural light.

The Living room

This is the living room.  Here you can see the comfy sofa, and TV, fire, and small table.

The dining room, Kitchen, Bathroom, and Backyard.

Comments from our previous home stay guest from Taiwan:

Newcastle&Lynda&Stephen 當時在Newcastle的生活,因為和Lynda&Stephen一起生活,像家人般,自在又快樂!他們的熱情已經讓我愛上這個美麗的城市和溫暖的家庭!和Stephen一起從晚上六點聽著他收藏的英國許多經典樂團歌手的CD,一路到十二點!what's a music party night!還有Lynda完美的homemade food! Yummy! I won't forget I have a family in Newcastle ! Only one word to say: MISSING!

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Old people on scooters in Taiwan!

The old people who ride around Taiwan on their scooters are some of the most annoying people on the road.  There are many reasons for this, but I will explain a few now.  These are from my own experience, and all my own thoughts.  If anyone gets pissed off, tough shit.

Reason number 1.  They either drive extremely fast, or extremely slow.  Like marmite there is no middle ground when it comes to the old codgers out here!

Reason number 2.  They don't care about anyone's safety including their own.  Now I know they are super old, and they probably don't give a shit if they have another crash.  Some of us still want to live.  There was one moment when I was turning around a corner and some old woman rode her scooter into the side of me at a reasonable speed.  She got met full on with a Jackie Chan kick.  That will teach her to watch the road next time instead of ooogling food shops and stands!

Reason number 3.  Most old people look like they have had their scooter for about 150 years, passing it on through the generations.  They generally have no mirrors, and all sorts of fumes and smoke is tearing its way out of their exhaust and into my nose!  

Reason number 4.  This is linked to reason number 3.  Most of the scooters old people ride around on, look like bits of the scooter will fall off at any given moment.  They can often be seen sporting holes, and all sorts of other battle wounds that they have gathered through their 150 years of existence.

Reason number 5.  Old people seem to like randomly stopping their scooter on the middle of a bridge with no warning.  I have noticed this very crazy habit is often practiced by old people here in Taiwan generally during peak traffic times for adding old people points!

Reason number 6.  Even though they are on a scooter, and doing 15km per hour, they like to sit in the middle of the road so no one else can get passed them.  There was one moment when I was crossing one of the many bridges, when one old woman was stuck right in the middle of the road.  The traffic was completely back logged and going ape shit with her, tooting like mother fuckers!  This old woman was oblivious and didn't give one hell of a shit!  She just rode on like she was either deaf and in need of hearing aids, or an utter bad ass mother fucker, king and queen of the old folks all rolled into one!

This is a disabled scooter which can be seen all over Taiwan.

Magpies promotion poster.

Taipei's Riverside Magpies are always looking for new recruits who can help us out in the duty of battle, and in the watering holes of this fine city Taipei.

If anyone is interested get in touch.

Contact me by email only please.

Gua Sha treatment for heat stroke relief

Earlier this week I had to get Gua Sha, because of suffering from bad heat stroke after hiking in the afternoon, like a madman, bang on midd...