Friday, May 4, 2018

Tissues outside the bog

Have you ever been that desperate for a shit you just need to get inside instantly? Sometimes in Taiwan you get a bit of a shitty stomach from time to time and you need to have a mad dash to the bog. When you do this you need to be careful because a lot of toilets in Taiwan put the bog roll outside of the goddamn toilet. What lunacy is this?

That's correct, the toilet roll is outside and you need to guess what kind of crap your going to have before you take the plunge on deciding how much roll you're going to take inside with you. Sometimes there's a goody two shoes telling you, "hey you're taking too much!" I once replied to a fella who did this, "Well it's my shit and my arse, not yours is it?" It's really odd that people will even get offended by how much toilet roll you need for a good arse wiping.

I don't know why they can't just put it inside but some people have told me it's because people will steal the whole roll. Now that is a new standard of low, I know there was a load of drama over bog roll price recently but if your going to go around stealing it out of public bogs that's not on. Because of your thievery some poor fella now has a shitty undercrackers all day and that is down to you - the bog roll thieves!

One personal anecdote of mine where I had an issue with the bog roll outside was at a swimming pool in Wanhua. I was bursting for a crap, literally ready to pop, so I dash inside and see there is no bog roll anywhere, not in the bog, not out the bog. The roll holder is there outside, I think thank god now let's do this, but see the roll is completely empty. Then I run outside to the reception and tell her love there's no bog roll. Please give me some, and quickly.

She give me two small pieces. Two pieces for a full arse wiping? What I disaster, but I was in no position to argue. I took the two pieces and ran off to dump the turtles head in the pond but as I only had two little goddamn pieces of toilet roll, I was praying I would have one of those clean craps where they glide out of your arse and they don't involve a great deal of wipes to clean.

It was not to be, today's crap was the kind my dad would proudly proclaim a Klingon! Now I had two options, wipe and wipe and wipe again with the same pieces, or pull my kegs up, charge outside and demand more goddamn bog roll. I choose the latter option, up went the shreddies...and I charged the wifey like Braveheart on a search for freedom, she looked shocked because she already supplied me with ample amount apparently. I demanded more and got more, freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedom for my shitty arse!

So when your running into a bog dying for a crap in  Taiwan, make sure you figure out where the toilet roll is first otherwise you may have a massive disaster on your hand, one may say a shitty disaster but a disaster all the same.

Rage walking and a bloke watching porn in Starbucks

I normally need to have a rage walk once or twice every day, it sounds a bit drastic but something really sends me into a rage that much that I need to get outside and calm the shit down.

Yesterday however I needed a longer rage walk than normal, as the nonsense that goes on in Taiwanese companies is unreal. Basically, a guy wouldn’t just tell me the number I needed, instead I had to figure out where to find this number. I’m supposed to receive an email with information about the work but didn’t, and to make the rage even worse this bloke had looked to see if work had been approved, he saw the number, then went to other management system to type a message for me to input the number he needs there. The same number he had seen now two or three times. 

Even though he had seen the number so much he wouldn’t just pass the number onto me or tell me the number so I could finish the task. Because in his words; that’s not his job to do that. That’s my job. So I had to call the woman who deals with the system in the main office located in another city just to get the number for the guy who wants it, the guy who has looked at the number he needs at least three times but won’t just forward the number to me. And they believe teamwork exists in Taiwan, if teamwork does exist I’d happily let you show me where because I’m of the firm belief most of your Taiwanese colleagues would rather take a massive shit on you instead of helping with anything even if it is work they need. 

The reason for this is because schools, companies and anywhere else where people are supposed to be working to achieve a shared outcome make everything competitive. The bosses and people in charge want to generate a working environment whereby your colleagues will refuse to help, even if it’s just finding out a number because they’re not listed to work on that task and even if they cannot complete their task without me completing my task. In a nutshell they all seem to have little man syndrome where they want to look good by making you look shit. All in the name of working their way up the ladder in some soulless company where they’re a number, a company where they cannot go home until their manager goes home, or they have to stay until midnight because of another bleeding made up emergency. 

So as the rage burned, I grabbed my coffee and stormed outside, with no destination or purpose I just wondered aimlessly in a circle as steam was blowing out my ears like a bugs bunny cartoon. I amble right past a Starbucks just as I need a piss, so rush on inside to do the business hoping no one is already in the toilet because if I had to wait 30 minutes the piss might have started to slowly dribble down my leg. 

Luckily no one was inside and unlike the good Taiwanese folk I was swiftly in and out in a jiffy. As I was walking out of the Starbucks something caught my attention in the corner of my eye, a geezer to the left of me was watching porn in the middle of bloody Starbucks. I only caught a brief glimpse, and assumed he didn’t notice that I had clocked him. A did a swift double back and pretended to be browsing the coffees on the shelf but I really I wanted to check I wasn’t going do Lally tap. 

His MacBook was open for the whole coffee shop to see, little Apple headphones plugged in and some woman getting he vadge smashed in for anyone to see. I really wanted to get a sly picture of the idiot but unfortunately he had clocked on to the fact that I had clocked him and I wasn’t really browsing for coffees. When he noticed someone saw him he flipped the late down and hastily exited Starbucks. I must say it was a pretty odd situation, why would he watch porn in the middle of Starbucks like that, I’m sure it’s not the advert Starbucks and apple were going for when they target trendy hipster wankers. As for wanking, I reckon Starbucks owe me, because no doubt he was one step away from wapping his dong out and bashing one out while everyone is sat in blissful enjoyment sipping a coffee. 

So Starbucks send your free vouchers to me for being the saviour of the day, ta. 

Gua Sha treatment for heat stroke relief

Earlier this week I had to get Gua Sha, because of suffering from bad heat stroke after hiking in the afternoon, like a madman, bang on midd...